Wasting My University Degree

Now that I’ve graduated, what am I doing with my life?

I suppose I expected friends and family from near and far to be asking me that very question once I graduated. However, I fully admit I was not prepared to respond to such a loaded question. Little did I know that I needed to be fully stocked with ammunition to take on such an angry mob.

It’s been nearly one month from the date I graduated with my bachelors of science in kinesiology with honours from Dalhousie University. Indeed, I passed nearly all of my courses with straight A+s and I conducted my own research to earn an honours, but I am not writing to you to brag about my “high achievements”. In fact, I am going to be honest and put myself in a vulnerable position today. I know that I am quite alright at reading, memorizing, and regurgitating information, even when I don’t see value or agree with that information, but my degree hasn’t equipped me with what I need to get to where I want to be.  I did learn many things that were very interesting and valuable to me over the last four years, and many of those things didn’t necessarily come from my educational “high achievements” perse.

In no way am I saying that I am not grateful for the amazing teachers and mentors I have been so privileged to have in my life. What I do want to communicate is that the last four years have taught me a lot more about myself and just being able to go through the experience of earning an undergraduate degree has changed me as a person in significant ways. I met many people who taught me about their own world, who influenced me to step outside of my comfort zone, and who have supported me without judgement as I grew and evolved into who I am today. The last four years have given me an experience that is a large part of who I am, and in my opinion, that has been my high achievement.

The very first response I get when I inform people that I am currently not searching for a job in the field of kinesiology nor did I apply to continue my education within an institution (i.e., University), is, 

“Well don’t let your degree go to waste!” said with intonations indicating that I somehow offended them.

I am sorry dear family or friend of mine, I have no intentions to offend you in any way. The challenge is walking away from this conversation with you feeling “content” about my decisions and understanding that a degree doesn’t mean the next step is my career. I am sitting here asking myself how I can take four years of reflection and growth and squeeze it into a sentence or two to help you understand me. 

The last few times I’ve attempted to answer your question, you walked away from me in disappointment, anger, frustration, and confusion and I have been left sitting there feeling the exact same way.

I’ll start off with a quote. Read it slowly.

 “Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success.”

- Albert Schweitzer.

Many of my colleges will walk away from their undergraduate degree with an education that has prepared them to start their careers down a path of health and human performance. Many others will be prepared to embark on their masters degree and conduct meaningful research to help improve our world in some way. Some, in fact, will even become doctors who will treat us when we fall ill. I think that is an amazing journey for them and I know they will do great things and be very successful in life.

Here’s where I come in, looking like a punk kid making mediocre money by selling homemade chocolate at the local farmers’ market- something I could have done without a very expensive undergraduate degree in Kinesiology. 

See. I understand you. I hear you, dear family and friend of mine.

What I can’t seem to fit into a sentence or two is that I am not on the pursuit of happiness. Rather, I am enjoying the happiness of my pursuit.

And you may ask now, “What does that even mean, Julianna?”

I’m glad you asked.

I am 22 years old, nearing the peak of my cognitive capabilities and performance (according to research that indicates mental performance peaks near 23 years of age). Right now, I am living my dreams to the fullest. And right now, that may not be your dreams to the fullest of me. And I don’t mean that my dream career is making chocolate for the rest of my life. What I mean is that right now…

1. I experience great joy from my job.

I dreamt of owning my own bakery when I was a kid, but I never had the courage to tell people that’s what I wanted to do. Now, I own my own chocolate company with a central focus on producing high-quality food while educating our customers face-to-face about the impact our food has on our bodies. I love every aspect it… For those who know me (aka follow me on Instagram), you know when I see food, I see art. I see exploration. I see science. I see each and every one of my cellular membranes being influenced by the quality of nutrients I put in my mouth. I get to share that passion by interacting with new people every day we set up at the Farmers’ Market. And no- I don’t want to see my chocolate business grow to be in Superstore or Walmart.  I dig and support the go-local movement #supportlocalYXE

2.  I have time for self-improvement.

I always over-commit myself with “productive” things to fill up my time hoping to seek greater fulfillment with my accomplishments. Currently, that go-go-go mentality has subsided and I am finally doing all the things I put aside for “later.” (Realizing that “later” is not a guarantee, and today is the day to pursue what drives me). I’m reading the books I’ve always wanted to read. I’m spending time outside and feeling the grass on the souls of my feet. I’m meditating and journaling every morning and night. I’m taking the time to give my worn-out brain the sleep it needs to detoxify. I’m saving money to travel to gain new experiences. My body deserves to experience the world around me and become mindful in every action I take during my time here on Earth.

3. I am learning and understanding topics I’m truly passionate about. 

During university, most of the work I did felt like work. Crunching numbers, worrying about proper citation formats, meeting deadlines. I love learning and I will spend the rest of my life a student, but the institution of university is not where I thrive. I wasn’t able to explore all the things that got me excited without being told that my paper is “out of the scope for this course.” Now I am fulfilling my eclectic areas of interest at my own pace by exploring and learning about the influences on our consumption patterns from some of the largest public relations campaigns in our history, the metabolic impact of ketogenic dietary practices, the concept of metabolism, the flaws in our view of “science”, the impact of my actions on those around me and the world I live in, all while reading the Bhagavad Gita (one of the most important, influential, and luminous Hindu scriptures). For now, a university curriculum is not what I’m searching for.

I may come off as a punk kid making mediocre money by selling homemade chocolate at the local farmers’ market, but even if I am, I’m enjoying the happiness in my pursuit. I am 22 years old, nearing the peak of my cognitive capabilities and performance. Please trust that I am not “wasting my degree”. Understand I am building on my background, I am connecting with deeper aspects of existence that far too many of us are being distracted from, and I am in no rush to become a highly-respected socially conformed well-paid professional whatever.

If you experience joy from your job, have time to dedicate to yourself and the ones you love, and are continuously pursuing what your biggest and wildest dreams are, then let’s talk more often and learn from each other. If not… then let’s talk more often and learn from each other without judgement, with open minds, and without the urge to compare one another based on our own journeys through life <3

Don't Run For the Bus

Before he pulls out onto the road, the first thing a bus driver does is look to his right. 

Clear.

The second thing he does, is look to his left.

Clear.

I have a friend who once told me that under any circumstance, he would never run for the bus. Even if he was running late, he would cooly let it depart and keep walking as if he never had any intentions of getting on that bus in the first place.

Now I believe this was for the sake of his pride. For some reason, flailing your arms and trying to flag down a bus is not the most graceful of motions. I can understand the horrifying risk of rejection. And even if the bus driver does indeed stop for you and lets you on, everybody already on the bus will look at you with your heavy breathing and shake their heads.

How embarrassing.

Now the story I am going to tell you today is terribly embarrassing, but I shall share my newly gained wisdom with you anyway.

So there I am, graceful me, waiting at the bus stop, perfectly on time.

A bus arrives, perfectly on time, and I’m sure it’s my route. But I patiently wait anyway for the bus to indicate route 42 on its external LED display attached securely on its rump (is it an LED display? I don’t know).

Oh. Not my bus.

That’s ok. So there I am, graceful me, waiting at the bus stop. I begin to pace just a little bit, expecting my bus to arrive at any moment.

Time passes.

I look at the time on my cell phone.

I notice the battery is low, which is strange because I had it plugged in all night (I know, I know. I’m not “supposed” to leave it plugged in all night). Anyways, I am getting a little antsy at this point, as I always do when I am running late.

I decide that I should inform one of the trainers at the Sports Centre that my bus must be running late and I might not be there on time. So there I am, graceful me, waiting at the bus stop, typing up a message and… my phone dies.

Now, I’ll tell you why that message would have been important.

I have been an intern at the Canadian Sports Centre Atlantic for over 6 months now. At this point, I’ve had some pretty good days and I’ve done some pretty cool things. Today… the Lead Strength and Conditioning Coach of Atlantic Canada was away and he asked me, casually, to fill in for him while one of his Olympic athletes came in to train.

Yea, so no big deal.

This is NOT a day I want to be late for.

So there I am, graceful me, waiting at the bus stop with a dead phone. I decide that I had better run back to my room and grab my portable charger so I could let someone know that I wouldn’t be there on time. I run back to residence, zoom up to sixth floor and retrieve my portable phone charger, zoom back down and exit the basement doors of my building facing the bus stop.

BUT THEN I SEE IT. BUS 42 patiently waiting at the bus stop, very imperfectly not on time.

SO there I am, graceful me, sprinting towards the bus as I see the doors slowly closing.

For those of you who do not live in Halifax, I will let you know that yesterday the sky released its innermost emotions and created sidewalks of slick ice. I kid you not.

Now this is the moment I need to share with you.

People will tell you to live your life everyday as if it were your last. 
We’ve heard it all before, blah blah blah.

So there I am, graceful me, gliding with beauty and ease, three steps away from the bus and… WOOP.

There I go. UNDER THE BUS as it begins to drive and take it’s path on route 42.

Never in my life did I imagine this was the way I was going to go. How embarrassing.

Rest In Peace

Julianna Tan

1993-2015

Ran over by a bus.

She will be missed.

As I close my eyes ready to die, the bus halts to a screeching stop.

I’M ALIVE!

Before he pulls out onto the road, the first thing a bus driver does is look to his right. 

Clear.

The second thing he does, is look to his left.

Clear.

The bus driver slowly peels away from the sidewalk and off he goes on the route his bus was destined to take.

If I had not be as ungraceful as I was, the bus driver would not have heard me and all of the contents in my backpack hit the ice-coated ground and release a shattering echo (including my stainless steel water bottle, which probably saved my life today).

He didn’t see me.

Now, this is the point where I tell you what I’m thinking.

Some days I fool myself and say, “I’ll be happy when I get from Point A to Point B.”

I’ll be happy when I’m done with school.

I’ll be happy when I have a million dollars.

I’ll be happy when I’m in better shape.

I’ll be happy when I meet the love of my life.

I’ll be happy when I have my own home.

This is a game that is flawed by design.

There are no checkpoints to fulfillment.  

You are either a happy person or you are not.

Yes, of course, there are so many beautiful things to look forward to throughout your journey in life, but right now, in this moment, you are where you are. And you need to live it and love it.

Taste your food today, not tomorrow

Pay attention to your words today, not tomorrow

Listen to good music today, not tomorrow

Read good books today, not tomorrow

Realize the uselessness of anger today, not tomorrow

Smile when your heart flutters today, not tomorrow

(Metaphorically. Otherwise you should probably not smile if that’s happening).

If you can take anything away from reading this post today, I hope you live today like it’s your last.

Live in the present.

Don’t fluster over the past.

Don’t focus too heavily on the future that has yet to come
(because you might be run over by a bus today)

And if you decide not to listen at all, well… at the very least:

Don’t run for the bus.

make me yours & take me with you

I want the thought of me to be nostalgia.
That familiarity of my lips like lava
Flood your lungs with liquid
And make you drown in disbelief
That this would ever end.

That thirty years from now
You'd still tie butterflies into knots
And make my stomach flutter
And my spine shutter as you run
Your lips against my shoulder.

Make me yours and take me with you
To the inside layer of your chemistry
Where you make matter with your mind
And your dreams become desires.
Where your thoughts and words are wires
And your heart beats hot with fire.

Make me yours and take me with you
Over the edge of the universe
Where forever never ends
And we pretend to make amends
With our regrets. Where we forget
To take each other for granted
Every once in a while.

Just make me yours and take me with you.

breathe.

Inhale.

Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I am experiencing my chest ripping into shreds and burning up my throat...

Exhale. 

Yet I am free-falling from a suffocating grip I have been holding on to for far too long.

All at the same time we are living and dying. You choose what you call it, but whatever it is, it's happening. 

I will be honest- I can be jealous, manipulating, angry, sad, sorry for myself, and all of those other ugly things, too. And as much as I don't want to be, I find myself hurting a whole lot more than I need to.

Dad...

 it destroys me.

And it annoys me,

That I can’t tell you I miss you.

There are too many things we (I) want to hold on to. Things we are not ready- and probably never will be ready- to let go of. Letting go is nothing easy to do and, if I may say so myself, it is one of the most painful things we will ever experience in our lives. 

The hardest thing to accept is that the only constant thing in life is change.

Whether we want to accept it or not, things are always changing and what at one time served you well may no longer be serving the same purpose. In the other direction- what at one time you may have hated, you can come to love by simply (maybe not so simply) letting go of a pain you no longer need to be tied to.

Inhale. 

As we take a fresh breath of air, the rich oxygen feeds our bodies and gives us life. But the tighter and longer we hold on to that breath, the staler it becomes... and we start starving. We hold tighter and tighter on to that breath until it feels like fire has set aflame in our lungs. Sometimes, we hold on, refusing to let go, and eventually stop breathing. Eventually stop living and start dying.

But time unties bows, love will come and go.

We say our good-bye, until our next hello.

This suffering results from a resistance to just let go. To trust that we can just let go of that breath, despite how good it felt coming in, and know that life will bring us a new breath... is one big decision. 

Learn to let go gracefully

We choose to suffer by holding our breath. By holding on to expectation. By holding on to what cannot be undone. By holding on to a hurt and not letting it heal. By holding on to a hope that we can always control our situation and our surrounding. 

We choose to suffer, but in a single breath... we can choose to let go of that suffering. 

Exhale.

Let go of what once was that sunny breath of fresh air.
Let the storm rain and thunder around you and within you. 
Let the cold creep under your clothes. 
Let the goosebumps rise from your skin. 

And as the storm quiets (I promise you it will), breathe in the calmness and the coolness of the clarity surrounding you. Let new air put out that fire in your lungs, and feel the comfort of a new perspective. 

Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason. Just breathe. xox

Heart of Stitched Gold

I'll sit with patience

And stitch this heart by hand, again.
The scars make it tough to tie it tightly enough
But it only opens up every now and then.
These micro-tears, like microcosms,
Keep us hopeless romantics dreaming
When we should all just hope less
It's hopeless, breaking down our self esteem and...
Repetitively trying to use glitter and gold
To stitch our hearts together.
Waiting one day for the stitch to decay
But our hearts are just turning to leather.
There are still some parts, that are silk and satin
And it hurts when you drive the thread through
But that pain isn't sharp, it's cold and it's dark
Like the dull ache of an aging bruise. 
My heart, once pretty- now tattered and torn
Is looking rather disfigured and damaged 
I stop sometimes to ponder and think
Of all the times I've come through and managed. 
Maybe gold was a good pick over tin, over lead- 
Because at least it's worth the while
And it shimmers and shines when I can't seem to find
Any other reason to smile.

To Love Her

To love her, is to let her dance in the dirt

And breathe the sweet air, as her hair

Falls over her shoulders- and hold her, metaphorically

Fold her wings like paper planes to aid her fly-

Not in half to leave her die

As would a butterfly should you steal its beauty.

To love her, is to let her soak in the sunlight

And watch her skin turn golden, and holding

Her hand- not to demand she stays, rhetorically

In your ways, you ask to lift her and let her rise-

Not hold her back for rash demise

As would a shy child should you reproach her unduly.

To love her, is to watch her wish with her eyes closed

And dip her toes in the water, a daughter-

She is loved- and above, her father, historically

Taught her she is enough and you-

You cannot control her views

As would an owner own her, cruelly.

To love her, you have kissed her

Heart and not her lips.

To love her, you have grazed her

Mind and not her hips.

To love her you have simply loved

And for that she loves you incredibly.