Good-bye.

Your cold, unclenched fist reaching down my throat and turning,
Your bony, fleshless wrist twisting past my sternum- burning
Now clenching deep inside my ribs, disgusting thoughts returning
As you bruise my lungs and rip at my inside. 

I thought I earned immunity to those knife-like nights
That kept my eyes red with hate- my skin; a pale, blotchy white
My teeth would bite at my lips, wanting to scream back at you and fight
About how sickly it is that you take pride

In shooting down the fruits of your own womb.
"A liar", you say, "Stupid!" you scream, leaving room
Only for you to barely breathe before you resume
Until your own words themselves collide.

You would stumble, but spit after syllable- disgust, disgust, disgust.
I feel my gut revolting air, my breaths begin to rust,
Corrode with shame that I thought- I thought- that I could trust
That one day I could put this all aside. 

One day I would say sincerely, "I know you love me."
And I'd accept that you made me stronger- but you shove me
Again and again, against this wall- God stays above me
And lets me fall to my side.

Breathless, I cried,
"Good-bye."

between buddhism & christianity

I mentioned once before that as a kid, I asked a lot of questions.

(maybe ate a lot of food, too....)

I suppose, like any other kid does though. I wouldn't say I lost that curiosity, although it is suppressed, yes, because nobody has the answers to the questions that I ask. Maybe nobody ever had the answers, but as a kid I had faith in the all-knowing entities we term "adults". Being one myself nowadays, I hate to admit it, but I'm disappointed. 

The beginning of my somewhat tormenting, but more so entertaining current state of curiosity started when I accidentally asked this one simple question and things were never the same again. 

I asked, 

"What came before... ?"

Everything has a beginning, I thought, for example, a batch of cookies. They started off as separate ingredients coming from all different sources; flour that came from grain fields, butter that came from cow's milk, and sugar that came from a plant source. And then it goes deeper- the seeds that fed off of the soil and the conception of the animal. 

Then it goes deeper- the macromolecules of the each substance formed by the joining of monomers dictated by their inherent destiny. (Can you tell I'm taking Cell Biology right now?)

Then the individual atoms with their protons and electrons.

But, my god, how far does it go?! What made up protons, where did electrons come from?

So this started off as a batch of cookies- but now I'm thinking about everything. 

I also mentioned once before that I have two families- two very different families. To keep things sweet and short, one side practices Buddhism and the other is Christian. 

I mention religion because I had a conversation today with an individual whom I barely know. We've exchanged so few words, only enough to be counted on my hand perhaps. But, my curiosity surfaced- I asked "What do you do?"

A thoughtful pause. He replies "Sorry, what do you mean?"

I say, "Well... I study Kinesiology. What do you do?"

"Ah. I study Psychology and Philosophy"

A series of questions landed us in a conversation defining philosophy as the basis of religion. 

I have had pivotal conversations on both philosophy and religion, and I'm most certain I've made the connection between the two, but if so, not so consciously as I have now.

I have never learnt much of religion, only the slightest hint of practices from growing up between Buddhist traditions and the occasional Catholic church-sitting. Being brought up between two religions made it hard to believe strongly in either one. I will state now that I am not religious and I know very little about religion as a topic in general. However, whatever it is that I believe in is not so distant from the basis of either religion that I have solely glimpsed at. 

Believe nothing, no matter where you heard it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense- Buddha

In philosophy, there is no concrete answer. And that is what makes up the robust discussion and the sweet necessity for an open mind. I absolutely treasure discussion- the method we have to express our own perception backed up by our individual background and experiences. How incredible is it that somebody can share their understanding of a context- the thoughts they generate with their own non-physical mind- through the physical production of words that may or may not be accepted by me? Discussion is an experience, and with an open mind can alter your way of thinking.

Or your way of thinking about them....

I'm sorry if I've lost you already, I am displaying my best attempts at sharing with you a part of my non-physical existence- my thoughts, and although words are our only mechanism, they are sometimes limiting. 

And now religion- there is no concrete answer (please note this is only me speaking and I have no means to offend anyone or any doubt in your beliefs). The difference between philosophy and religion is the gap of faith. Without this gap, we either have science or philosophy. Philosophy fills this gap with questions, religion with faith. So, it is through this gap that we create religion- it is through this gap that humanity has created a sense of satisfaction because we all want answers. 

However, (with no intentions of offending) it is through this gap that humanity has created rules that can define you, cults that can control you, worshippers propagating power... wars that preach hate. 

Whether I believe in evolution or whether I'm Buddhist or Catholic, I come from the same beginning. Despite what I am made out of- structural cells composed of atoms (my body)- I have a mind; a soul (I wish I knew where it came from)- just like you, just like my neighbour, just like your neighbour. I pray, maybe to God or maybe to tune my frequencies. Despite what I believe in, despite my faith, I am capable of loving you wholly for who you are- not because a book told me to and not because my teachers taught me to. 

My favourite part about children is that they love you no matter what- even if you're not from the same place, even if you're not the same religion, even if you're not wearing make-up or nice clothes- they can love unconditionally.

Despite your religion or lack of, despite your race or your colour, despite your education or background, no one is better than you just because the society you live in or your religion or the media says so- no one can dictate your worth because we all just molecular interactions.

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others. For beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness, and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.